the corporate idiot

Since I've started working a common feeling I've been forced to confront is feeling like a complete and total idiot. I thought that I would be able to get past this after my first month or so but it seems to have gotten worse. In school I had grown comfortable in my role as the over-achiever where I could get A's with minimal effort and any question I had could be answered by Google.

Flash forward to the corporate world filled with project-specific jargon, acronyms and names impossible to pronounce. I can't count the number of times I've been called out on errors or mistakes in front of a room full of people only to be left feeling about an inch tall.

I never considered myself a stupid person and I actively try to learn but it all just seems so overwhelming and impossible to conquer.

I would be a liar to say that I've never retreated to a bathroom stall for a good, solid 5 minute cry before braving the world of cubicles again... will this ever pass?

Jerry Springer

So I was at work, as usual, and i received a call on my cell phone. The number was private so I decided not to answer and let it go to voicemail. About an hour later when I had some down time, I listened to the message and who would have thought that the Jerry Springer show would be on the other end. I immediately went through my mental list of any midgets or cousins I may have had sexual encounters with and since there are none, I was clueless as to why Jerry was on the phone.

Let's back track about 8 months... one night in a drunken stoopper, I thought it would be hysterical to contact the Jerry Springer show for tickets. I had completely forgotten about this until I got the call telling me I had tickets. I immediately called Jerry back and it's true... September 10th at approximately 5:30pm CST, I will be an audience member of one of America's trashiest contributions to modern society.

When talking to the Jerry representative on the phone I learned the official JS dress code:

• Men
• collared shirts
• no hats
• no logos
• no sweat pants
• Women
• "something cute"

Can't wait!! JERRY JERRY JERRY!

the daily poo-off

So since I began working, a major disturbance in an activity that's generally fairly mundane and not typically worth mentioning on a blog is (for lack of a better term) pooing. Because I spend so much time at work, it's only inevitable that what goes in must come out. That's not the interesting part.

What is interesting are the rules that no one talks about but we all seem to know. And if someone happens to violate these rules, there will be some pretty annoyed and even constipated individuals, silently crouched in a nearby stall.

The office pooing rules:

1. The last 2 stalls are strictly designated for pooing only.
2. If someone is in a stall and it's silent, leave an absolute minimum of a 1 stall buffer between yourself and the pooer. Although it's recommended that you leave as large a buffer as possible.
3. Have some common courtesy for the pooer: do not linger in the bathroom while a poo is in progress.
4. Non-pooers should try and create as much background noise as possible: loud peeing, running the water in the sink, ample paper towel dispenser noise.
5. And finally just something to think about: Hit the hand dryer on your way out... It's greatly appreciated and I like to think it sends just a little good karma my way.

So what happens when there are multiple pooers in the bathroom at the same time? I'm glad you asked. It's what's known as the "poo stand-off." Two people defiantly turtle-heading, straining not to make a sound, hoping that the other will surrender to defeat and leave. But as long as the non-pooers follow the rules, it'll work its way out. (What an awful pun.)

conversation overheard on the train

So almost every morning I wake up to my alarm and my first thought of the day is generally, "Oh man i REALLY don't want to go to work today." So i lay in bed until the last possible minute and then ultimately I'm forced to begin my day. It wasn't until this morning that I felt somewhat foolish and even spoiled for my attitude when I happened to overhear a conversation on the train.

It was just my luck that I was sandwiched in between two people who were having a conversation. My initial reaction to this was severe annoyance as they seemed to talk through me, as if I didn't even exist. It was a conversation between two strangers that was continuing from the train platform where they initially met a few minutes earlier. It was between a man and a woman in their late 40's. At first I simply thought that the man was hitting on this woman, and perhaps he was. Since I was stuck right in the middle of their conversation, I had nothing better to do than sit there and listen.

The man offered the woman a business card of a temp agency where he assured her she could find a temp job that paid up to $12 an hour. At first I was really surprised at how responsive she was to this offer. I mean in Chicago you can barley buy a drink for $12 let alone make an actual, survivable living.

So the man exits the train after a few stops and then the woman makes a cellphone call. She relays to the person the other end about what just happened and exclaimed, "God is great. God is great." She was sincerely grateful for the chance encounter that just happened.
That statement immediately brought me back to a week earlier when I had attended a Baptist service with a friend I was visiting. During the service this same phrase was exclaimed over and over. Although I'm not a terribly religious person, I can certainly recognize and appreciate the underlying truth and purpose of that statement.

I couldn't help but feel horribly self-centered and in-compassionate. It's not that I'm a bad person. It's that I very rarely take stock in what I have and what I have accomplished and truly feel grateful... that is until that humbling experience this morning. So often I focus on the smaller inconveniences in life... my commute, my student loan payments, not having a trust fund to fuel my every desire. Instead I should remember how genuinely lucky I am to have been afforded an education that has given me a not just a job but a career and a shot at a future that a lot of other people would be jealous of. The hard part is just trying to remember that at 6:30am.