the jig is up

It's those moments when you have the perfect crowd-stopping, silence-invoking thing to say mapped out in your mind when the words become trapped in a net somewhere in the back of your throat. It's when you have an entire speech formulated that is just the right mixture of powerful and strong without becoming too emotional that somehow becomes frozen at the sight of your target.

I find myself brewing over these words, precisely choosing each one knowing full well that I won't ever say them. I'll spend my morning commute, my daily shower, my nights meticulously editing and revising. Even five minutes after writing this, I'll come up with something better. This is what I'll never have the courage to say.

You humiliated me. You humiliated me with such ease and comfort it almost seemed routine. I pretend to be fine but that's all I am doing - pretending. I'm not even sure if I am pretending for your sake or mine anymore.

To say that I hate you would be too easy. I am disappointed in you and what you turned out to be, but even worse I am disappointed in myself for choosing to ignore it for so long. I got lost in what you could be so much so that I became blind to what you are.

I became that girl who ignores the obvious when it is staring her in the face. You made me that girl and I allowed you to.

I cannot change you or what you have done. I can only change the open door I've held for you. I will no longer waste another night on you. I won't wait for your calls or search for meaning when there is none. And perhaps you won't even notice but at the very least I'll know that I deserve more than what little you have to offer. At the very least soon I'll be fine and soon I won't even remember you.

The jig is up. I'm onto you.