the great thong incident of 2008

Thongs. The word alone sort of skeeves me out. It reminds me of strippers and wedgies and fills my mind with images of girls in jeans that are too tight who unapologetically walk around exposing their underwear to the world. Nonetheless, I frown upon pantie lines even more and have learned to accept thongs as a necessary evil.

Back in October I was in the middle of a traveling stint between Chicago, Buffalo, NYC and back to Chicago. I refuse to travel with a suitcase that needs to be checked and so I was forced to find somewhere to do laundry along the way. A guy friend of mine with a washer/dryer at his disposal offered the solution. I washed every article of clothing I had with me and I was on my way.

[Fast forward one month]

I was out at the local bar in Buffalo after the latest Sabres victory over the Penguins. After a few beers I went to the bathroom and received a text from the aforementioned guy friend that said, "I am wearing the thong you left at my place." I brushed it off and fired a text back that said, "What?! I am assuming this is meant for someone else."

When I returned to my drinking buddies, I told them about this text and immediately I was pulled aside and informed that I left a thong in the dryer and for the past month the infamous underwear has been floating around the greater Buffalo area (or at least among my group of friends).

I was drunk, I was heated and there's no stopping me at this point. So naturally, I stormed across the bar, pushed the thong-thief and politely said, "What?! You think you're cool sh*t for showing people a thong that belongs to a girl you're NOT hooking up with?!"

His response was confusion and shock and I told him to look at his cell phone for the text that set this whole thing off. Although the text did come from his phone, the author was actually another girl at the bar, who had also been exposed to the thong.

Embarrassed, he retreated to a seat at the bar and several minutes later sent me a shot. To add to his humiliation, I told the bartender to send it back.

This story should end here. I mean how could this possibly get any worse? But it wouldn't be a good story without even more drama.

That night I brought my sister out to the bar and she got involved in trying to resolve the thong incident. During her investigation the story only got better.

The dryer where the thong was discovered was in a shared washer/dryer belonging to my friend and his neighbor in the condo above him. The neighbor, a 20-something year old with a two year old child, had been doing laundry, and discovered the thong that clearly did not belong to her. In response she placed the thong on my friend's doorknob to return the mystery underwear.

Several hours later, stumbling home from the bar, my friend saw the thong hanging on his door waiting for him. His drunken, freshman-like thought process led him to the following conclusion: my neighbor totally wants to hook up with me. It is only natural that the thong bandit then attempted to break into his neighbor's condo, thong in hand, to cash in on the invitation.

What ensued next was screaming, a threat to call the police, and severe embarrassment. Now imagine everyone at our local hang out witnessing this entire thing unfold.

Lesson learned: you should have just mailed me my f-ing thong!