big time executive

A reality that I think everyone has to face is the fact that they’re never going to be considered an adult in their parents’ eyes. We could live to be 90 years old and as long as our parents are still kicking around, we will always be the child. In the seven years I have lived away from home and on my own, I have thought of myself as an independent adult more and more frequently. It’s a self-identity that I had almost taken for granted until I returned home this past weekend and came face-to-face with my mother.

I had convinced my manager to allow me to work remotely from my mother’s house on both Friday and Monday so that I could have a long weekend home. Each Monday at work my team, which consists of about 15 people, attends a team meeting to update each other on progress, issues, whatever. Since I was at home I dialed into the meeting and was placed on speaker phone while the rest of my team gathered in a conference room.

I had decided to use the house phone for the meeting in order to save minutes on my cell phone and warned my 13 year old sister to stay off the line. About 10 minutes before the end of the hour long meeting, my mother unexpectedly comes home early from work and decides to make a phone call. The following is what transpired:

Random team members: [insert business jargon here]

My mother: HELLLOOO???? [pause] HELLOOOOO??? [pause] HELLLOOOOO???

Meanwhile I’m bolting from room to room looking for the source of my mother’s call and eventually find her in her bedroom. Just as I’m running into the room, arms flailing to signal for her to stop, as if in slow motion she says:

My mother: HANNA GET OFF THE PHONE!

Panicked with embarrassment, I immediately end the call both from my mother’s phone and the phone I was using.

Afterward the obvious question to my mother was, “Why would you pick up the phone, hear people talking and continue to say hello over and over?!”

My mother: I heard MEN’s voices on the line! I thought your sister was talking to MEN!

Me: How could you possibly mistake the voices of 50 year old men for 13 year old boys?!

My mother: Well you know kids these days. They go through puberty early and have those deep voices.

Me: Mom you are SO embarrassing!

My mother: Well excuse me big time executive. But we don’t make conference calls around here.

It only took 30 seconds on a conference call for my mother to remind me that I will never really be an adult in front of her; meanwhile, my mother’s legacy lives on at work, as she is suddenly the most popular person in the office without ever having set foot in it.

home

Ever since leaving home over a year ago, the concept of home has become more of an idea than an actual place. This upcoming weekend I’ll be venturing back there to greet head on the family drama, the friendships I’ve never really left behind, and the landscape that intrinsically holds my own self-identity.

It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

Let's go BUFF-A-LO!

the blow off

We were supposed to meet at 8pm on Memorial Day. Although I hadn’t heard from him all day, I had hoped that with each passing hour I’d get a call, a text, a smoke signal… something. I was naïve enough to still shower and get dressed but for some reason I held off putting makeup on. I somehow knew the blow off was coming and subconsciously decided that without the effort of makeup, just a sliver of dignity remained.

At 8:15 the shoes came off and I poured myself a second glass of wine. I tried calling the only friend I had told about the pseudo-date, but it was only fitting she didn’t answer. I fought every urge to call or text him and instead thought about what I would tell a friend in the same situation. I imagine I would tell her not to bother texting or calling and the next time she saw him to pretend as if she didn’t even care or remember, to laugh a little too loud at other people’s jokes, to dress just slightly inappropriately. Then inevitably when his next call or text comes, don’t respond.

My best advice tends to be the advice I give to other people. The hard part is following it for myself.

In the end I can only hope he's dead in a ditch somewhere. But you know, no hard feelings or anything.

marriage

Recently I’ve been bombarded with the modern dilemma of career versus marriage. It seems as if almost every girl I’ve friended on Facebook since kindergarten has updated her relationship status to either “engaged” or “married” within the past 12 months and inevitably I wonder if it’s just me? Am I alone in thinking that that 25 is just too young for marriage?

At this point in my life I feel as if I’m just getting started. I’ve finally jumped through the hoops of school, moved across the country, and started a career. While I’ll admit there are a few too many Saturday nights greeted with an empty bed, I can’t say that I would be ready for marriage right now or even within the foreseeable future. After all, a large part of me still feels very much like a kid, and that’s something I’m not quite ready to let go of.

So what’s the rush? I wonder if girls my age are more concerned with satisfying some internal or societal goal. Too often I’ve heard girls say, “I want to be married by the time I’m X years old.” And I think… are you getting married simply because you have hit that age and end up marrying whomever you are with at that point in your life? And where does this magical age come from?

A few weeks ago, a 22 year old recent college grad that has sort of latched onto me at work, confided to me that the thought of getting married after 30 was unthinkable. I jokingly told her, “Well I can’t even find a boyfriend and I’m older than you are, so you shouldn’t worry.” And then, as if to drive the dagger in, she replied, “Yeah and you’re way older than I am!”

[insert jaw drop]

I attributed that comment to her naturally anxious personality and let her get away with that one.